Out on the verge

by Pauline on November 6th 2015

It’s crazy how time goes by so quickly, I can hardly remember how this year started, the middle bits then next thing I know it’s already close to the end of the year. John Lewis has already released their next Christmas advert, which means it’s close to Christmas which in turn means, I need to start my Christmas shopping which means it’s suddenly 2016 which is the year I turn 20. Crazy.

Photo by my wonderful boyfriend 💜

So how was my October?

The balance of my work life and university life has proven to be very difficult for me, I’ve been trying my hardest to stay on top of things but it’s been so overwhelming that I admit, I’ve had a few breakdowns this last month. The build up of just anxiety, fear of failure and unhappiness of where I am now.

After watching the likes of Mimi Ikonn, I’ve learnt that it is all about the choices you make. If you’re unhappy about something, don’t be passive – DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I’ve been slowly removing things that make me sad from my life or stress me out, I can’t say it’s made a dramatic difference (as it’s difficult sometimes to do something so dramatic like move cities) but it feels like I’m moving forward.

Dreaming of New York

Speaking of moving, I’ve been thinking of what I want to do in the future – as all university students are forced to think about – I definitely want to move from my home city and go someplace else in England but I’d rather see more than what I’m comfortable with.

New York always springs to mind when I think like this.

I’ve never been but it’s a place I want need to go to – maybe not a permanent move but at least for a month. Just not where I am now, I don’t want to stay here forever; it’s scary thinking of staying here for the rest of my life. But yes, this month I’ve added New York City to the “need to go to” list which contrasts to the “want to go to” list which is different – in my head.

DSC_0124

*Thinking of New York* Cold weather = pink nose

It was a weird dream I had about New York which made me have this sudden urge to go there as well as the desire to change something in my life (isn’t New York a great place to start?)

When I tell my friends about the dream, they just tell me that maybe it’s the future/there’s something I need to do there/You’ve been watching too much American sitcom. I don’t usually take dreams seriously unless there’s this unshakable feeling – like my New York dream.

To summarise: I was walking down the streets of New York, went to a coffee shop, met a friend there I hadn’t seen in ages who told me that all their dreams have come true and that they were married with two kids. It was weird all in all, but the feeling I got was even weirder. Yep, you say, too many American sitcoms.

Halloween

I didn’t celebrate Halloween this year, well, I don’t celebrate it at all. I’ve never been trick or treating or dressing up, mainly because I’ve always been told that traditionally (in Filipino and Spanish culture) it’s a time of which the dead are remembered. A relative also passed away around this time last year, so I wasn’t in the mood to dress up but I have seen such beautiful art done on people’s faces plus such creative costumes!

Games

battleblock1I’ve not been playing many games at all in the last few months which may explain my “emptiness” but I have started playing Battleblock Theatre again with my boyfriend. I recommend it, it’s such a sarcastic, funny game but frustrating when the friend you’re playing with burns you with his fireball weapon but there you go.

 

Catch-ups

I found some time to catch up with some friends during this month which is always nice. Talking to friends who listen to me and are genuinely interested in me always make me feel happy and relieved that people like that still are around. There are too many mean and two faced people out there who actively try to put others down and actively try to hurt them.

Sadly, I’ve experienced this too much this month which has added to the anxiety and stress but I always wake up and ask myself, “Why do I have to deal with such insensitive, mean jerks?” I don’t have to. Again, it’s all choice.

Music

Music wise, my favourite artists this past month have got to be Owl City and KYKO – overplayed them on Spotify and loving it. Verge by Owl City has recently been my go-to song. I remember repeating Vanilla Twilight by Owl City when I was younger. Have a listen!

 

 

That’s a summary of my October and the start of November. I have a list of things I need to do but I also need to relax a bit. I have a few blog posts drafted for a few weeks time which are more directed towards a certain topic – hopefully, will be up soon!

Enjoy your evening lovelies! ❤


Posted under: Life, Thoughts



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30 comments

  1. Jamie says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had some rather unpleasant moments in life. Such as panic and anxiety attacks. Those are never fun. I have them as well.

    Friends are great. With the exception of some friends, like you said, are two-faced. I had a couple of those two-faced friends in real life. I never thought that they would be so shallow either. These two were my best friends and we did a lot of things together, however, I believe that because I didn’t have a car or could afford one at the time and they could not understand why, they got frustrated with having to drive me around. They also ditched me because of my shaking spells (think slight seizures). My best friend had seen me having a slight seizure which I call Earthquakes, and boom. There went our friendship. I don’t think she knew what to do or could handle the fact that I have them, ya know? Oh well. I saw her and her friend’s true colors. I have one good friend that I have met in college, and she’s extremely cool. We don’t hang out like we should, but we do see each other school and talk to one another. I’d rather have a few friends that are genuine like what you have, than to have a lot of friends that are two-faced. I have noticed that about some people online even. Even on my Facebook I have a couple of two-faced friends. They’re everywhere, the question is do you want them in your life or do you want to get rid of their negativity?

    I used to think and believe in dreams quite heavily when I was younger. Now, not so much. I used to think every dream had/has a meaning. Though, knowing the science behind it all really helps as to why we have dreams. Did you know that some people can actually dream in color, whereas others can dream in black and white? Pretty cool huh?

    • Pauline says:

      Thats such a good question Jamie, I actually don’t want them gone from my life because the times they were nice were probably the only time I was genuinely so happy. I’m glad they are a part of my life no doubt but their negativity is what I don’t need, its so hard to find a balance!

  2. Tara says:

    I’m sorry to hear that it’s been difficult balancing work and school. I personally do not miss those days. They were challenging, and it takes a lot out of anyone.

    I hope you’ll get a chance to go somewhere different for like a month. I think going somewhere new and different is something everyone should do at some point in their life. New York seems to be a good choice 🙂

    Wishing you the best in November! Hope it’s not too crazy for you!

  3. Ariane says:

    Hello! Lovely post Pauline 🙂 I too, am turning 20 next year! Haha can’t believe time pass by so quickly either. We also Don’t celebrate Halloween, we spend it through prayers and sentiment to those who have passed.

    GOOD LUCK with your studies. I know how hard it is to balance but I know as well that you can do it! Have a nice day! ❤

  4. Kya says:

    The year has just gone so fast. Wow, turning 20. When I first met you, you were so young and are growing up. It’s great that we were able to reconnect. 😀

    I am sorry to hear that it has been stressful for you. It’s great that you are trying to replace the negative things. I just hope that everything will improve for you. 🙂

    It would be really great if you could go to New York and see what it feels like. 😀 You just never know until you are there and have a sense of the place. Maybe you will end up living there, you just never know. Personally, I think England is much more beautiful. :p

    I am glad that you could reconnect with good friends. That is a really good thing. It’s horrible when people can be so mean and two sided. I can never understand the point of it.

    I hope November will be a lot better. <3

    • Pauline says:

      I am so glad we got to reconnect again Kya! Life has gone crazily fast! :’D

      Thank you for all the wishes Kya, much love!! England is beautiful but I think I’ve gotten to the point that I’m so used to it now, I need a change!

  5. Tiff K says:

    Hi Pawlean! Newly revived blogger here and I really get what you mean by anxiety. I’ve had breakdowns as well the past couple of weeks what with taking the big leap of leaving corporate and doing my own thing. Kinda overwhelming.

    England is my dream country and I would love to go there someday! New York as well and I would understand your dream of wanting to live there. I really would love to experience working on my own somewhere. Sighs, life’s crazy noh? Enjoy university life though because the real world is really crazy and very “unreal” in the sense that you have to define your own purpose now.

    Good luck! I’ll be putting you in blog links if it’s okay 🙂

  6. Very interesting month. I also find it hard to stay on top of things with school and two jobs. It not only takes a lot of organisation, but patience, dedication and strenght. Hopefully this won’t last forever.

    Natalia
    http://www.lindifique.com

  7. Oh that quote is really beautiful! I’m such a sucker for quotes. XD

    Its hard to try to remove things that stress you and stuff…been thinking about doing the same. Change scares me. I don’t think your New York dream is weird, either. =3

  8. Kaela says:

    Sorry to hear about all those down days. D:That’s a quote to live by. Keep your head up high!

    Wow New York! That’s like, one of my dream destinations and I’ve never set foot in it my whole life. 🙂 I would really love to walk around there in my Doc Martens and a pretty trench coat (which I obviously can’t do where I live). I’d also love to see a Broadway musical for myself.

    Hope you have an awesome November! 🙂

  9. Becca says:

    I have found that the middle years of college for me were some of the most depressing times of my life. All of the stress and the pressure, the anxiety to work and perform well and also have a great social life because it’s the best four years of your life! was just so hard on me. Hang in there – you’re doing great to already eliminate the things that aren’t helping. You can do it 🙂

    I moved away for college for exactly the reasons you described, I didn’t want to just stay in my hometown forever. But now that I have moved away and experienced another city, I think I’m ready to come home. It’s a wonderful experience and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I think it just helped solidify my decision of where I want to be.

    I’ve always wanted to go to New York! It’s on my list of “want to travel.” Someday, Someday maybe 🙂

    • Pauline says:

      You honestly just said everything I was thinking – I find it so hard to balance the two. It’s put me down and made me feel a sad, I hope it picks up and gets better!

  10. Amy says:

    Aww, sorry to hear you’ve been so stressed. Working while at uni can be really harx, especially if you want to maintain some kind of social life. I was so stressed throughout uni – but it’s so satisfying when you finish. Just keep going!

    New York sounds like a great idea. I wish I had the courage to move somewhere else. Hope you get to do it!
    xxx

  11. Catherine says:

    I like the idea of not being passive. Someone was telling me something recently about how there’s a difference between endurance and perseverance, whereas endurance is holding on, perseverance is more about being proactive. I’m blabbering a bit but I like your quote of “do something about it”.

    Good luck figuring out what you wanna do post uni. I used to always be scared about it until last year (when I was also 19), I just forced myself to start planning and stop being afraid.

  12. Nancy says:

    Do what you can to stay on top of things :). It may be hard at times, but you’ll overcome it and when you look back, you’ll realize it wasn’t a hard obstacle ;). Definitely removing things that makes you upset from your life is good all around.

    You should add LA to your go-to list :D. It’s a nice place here too (;. Maybe your dream is your 6th sense telling you something!

  13. It really takes a lot to let go of the things that only weigh you down, especially if you’re comfortable with them. But at the end of the day, it’s always worth it since you’ll be feeling so much better 🙂

  14. Michelle says:

    hugs

    I’ve been stressed too. I know how it feels with anxiety and panic attacks. I had them frequent and woke up with one before hand. It’s annoying. Anyhow, stay strong during the rest of the year!

    Love that quote!

  15. Georgie says:

    I hope you have been feeling better and under less pressure, Pauline. 🙂 You deserve happiness and it is great that you are actively doing something about the things that are making you unhappy. I only started to do that last year but even cutting contact with just one person and getting rid of things that remind me of sad times can help just that little bit. Not to mention, more of what makes you happy is also a good way to go if it’s hard to get rid of what is making you sad or anxious.

    Some things like school and work will not go away but there is a lot of beauty in focusing on the small, tiny good things that make us smile.

    Nick’s sister has a dream to go to New York as well. I don’t watch many shows so my dreams to go elsewhere are less about where I have seen them in movies and more just about reading and seeing photos. I want to go to England because I know some people from there and I’ve heard real stories!

    If you have an itch though, try and scratch it if you can. I cannot tell you how long I have been wanting to go to England, but it was certainly at least five years ago that I first wanted to go. I hope you get to go to New York some time in the near future. 🙂

    I love seeing other people’s Halloween costumes but we don’t really participate in the occasion too much in Australia. I like to when I can though!