Whirlwind

I haven’t been able to blog for the last week (or two now?) because my Macbook decided to die on me.

Honestly, I was shocked more than upset when it wouldn’t switch on despite having full battery and having the cable in because compared to my previous laptop (a Toshiba) my Macbook was amazing – no lags and no sign of slowing down (even after 2 years!)

I was pretty bummed about it breaking now especially since the timing wasn’t great, I had planned to write some posts for Science Brainwaves and had some WP errors to fix. I have sent it off to Apple to fix, and it’s been around 4 days so I’m hoping it’ll be back home with me next week!

November so far has been such an emotional roller coaster.

I’ve always told myself that I’m strong and can get through some difficulties I’m facing because, hey, surprise, I’ve been through it before almost 5 years ago. But this month has been the most difficult since summer ¹, my emotions have just been all over the place, my thoughts have gone through a very deep negative dip, I’m in a constant battle with my growing anxiety and depression, and guess what? I’m scared. It’s the strongest emotion I’m feeling right now, just constant fear and panic.

About what? I don’t know myself sometimes.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. What is the point if I don’t have the one I love by my side. I won’t ever be happy again. I’m scared. I’m alone. What should I do?”

I usually don’t like talking about my anxiety, especially on my blog which is my usual happy place to be but I wanted to be as real as possible and this is me, being very real.

5-6 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I vividly remember feeling scared to open up to my family or my friends about it, because I’ve always been on the outside, “happy” “always smiling” Pauline. You can’t suffer from something like that if you’re always so positive, right? I had treatment for it that didn’t work and I was scared of being so dependent on it. I ditched it, found running to turn to which helped a lot at the time – which brings me back to how exercise is awesome.

You can’t suffer from something like that if you’re always so positive, right? I had treatment for it that didn’t work and I was scared of being so dependent on it. I ditched it, found running to turn to which helped a lot at the time – which brings me back to how exercise is awesome.

After a year, I got in my first “real” relationship. Initially, I was so happy, everything was great, my fears in life were masked by all this love I was dependent on. Fast forward 2 years, he cheated, lied and betrayed me.

As you can imagine, I was a mess afterwards. My anxiety heightened and was the worse it had ever been in my life, I had panic attacks every night. I disconnected myself from my friends, family and my favourite activities (if you’re reading this and going through something similar right now, please don’t do this) I couldn’t find the energy to smile, eat or do anything. I even turned back to treatment, which again, didn’t work.

This too shall past.

I don’t know how I managed to crawl out of that dark blurb, but I do remember reciting those words frequently. After a while, time healed my heartbreak but not my anxiety (if only, eh?) which carries on to this day. After my breakup, I felt so paranoid and scared about anyone who would talk to me with some sort of interest in me, I tried to avoid it because I didn’t want to go through all of the pain of the heart breaks along with the increased frequency of anxiety and panic attacks.

The last time I had let someone get close to me, I gave all my love I could in my power and almost to my surprise, I received so much support in return. It was great, amazing and it was so real. But betrayal seems to be a common theme in my life and so are mind games, apparently.

I’ve been longing the same amount of support and love instead of being looked down on for my current state and left to stay up late at night with my thoughts after an unfinished conversation.

But just like last time, I’ve been left by myself when I’m needing the help the most yet I never left anyone’s side when life was looking dark.

These are the thoughts have been swirling around my mind for the past few weeks with such strong emotions I can’t seem to shake off.

Last night I had one of the worse panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. I woke up feeling shaken but determined not to let my wondering emotional mind right now to control me. I meditated and worked out to let the negative energy out. Yes, I’ve fallen a few steps back but not for long.

1. A future, more detailed blog post. Update: You can read all about it here.