Whirlwind

November 20th 2016

I haven’t been able to blog for the last week (or two now?) because my Macbook decided to die on me.

Honestly, I was shocked more than upset when it wouldn’t switch on despite having full battery and having the cable in because compared to my previous laptop (a Toshiba) my Macbook was amazing – no lags and no sign of slowing down (even after 2 years!)

I was pretty bummed about it breaking now especially since the timing wasn’t great, I had planned to write some posts for Science Brainwaves and had some WP errors to fix. I have sent it off to Apple to fix, and it’s been around 4 days so I’m hoping it’ll be back home with me next week!

November so far has been such an emotional roller coaster.

I’ve always told myself that I’m strong and can get through some difficulties I’m facing because, hey, surprise, I’ve been through it before almost 5 years ago. But this month has been the most difficult since summer 1, my emotions have just been all over the place, my thoughts have gone through a very deep negative dip, I’m in a constant battle with my growing anxiety and depression, and guess what? I’m scared. It’s the strongest emotion I’m feeling right now, just constant fear and panic.

About what? I don’t know myself sometimes.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. What is the point if I don’t have the one I love by my side. I won’t ever be happy again. I’m scared. I’m alone. What should I do?”

I usually don’t like talking about my anxiety, especially on my blog which is my usual happy place to be but I wanted to be as real as possible and this is me, being very real.

5-6 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I vividly remember feeling scared to open up to my family or my friends about it, because I’ve always been on the outside, “happy” “always smiling” Pauline. You can’t suffer from something like that if you’re always so positive, right? I had treatment for it that didn’t work and I was scared of being so dependent on it. I ditched it, found running to turn to which helped a lot at the time – which brings me back to how exercise is awesome.

You can’t suffer from something like that if you’re always so positive, right? I had treatment for it that didn’t work and I was scared of being so dependent on it. I ditched it, found running to turn to which helped a lot at the time – which brings me back to how exercise is awesome.

After a year, I got in my first “real” relationship. Initially, I was so happy, everything was great, my fears in life were masked by all this love I was dependent on. Fast forward 2 years, he cheated, lied and betrayed me.

As you can imagine, I was a mess afterwards. My anxiety heightened and was the worse it had ever been in my life, I had panic attacks every night. I disconnected myself from my friends, family and my favourite activities (if you’re reading this and going through something similar right now, please don’t do this) I couldn’t find the energy to smile, eat or do anything. I even turned back to treatment, which again, didn’t work.

This too shall past.

I don’t know how I managed to crawl out of that dark blurb, but I do remember reciting those words frequently. After a while, time healed my heartbreak but not my anxiety (if only, eh?) which carries on to this day. After my breakup, I felt so paranoid and scared about anyone who would talk to me with some sort of interest in me, I tried to avoid it because I didn’t want to go through all of the pain of the heart breaks along with the increased frequency of anxiety and panic attacks.

The last time I had let someone get close to me, I gave all my love I could in my power and almost to my surprise, I received so much support in return. It was great, amazing and it was so real. But betrayal seems to be a common theme in my life and so are mind games, apparently.

I’ve been longing the same amount of support and love instead of being looked down on for my current state and left to stay up late at night with my thoughts after an unfinished conversation.

But just like last time, I’ve been left by myself when I’m needing the help the most yet I never left anyone’s side when life was looking dark.

These are the thoughts have been swirling around my mind for the past few weeks with such strong emotions I can’t seem to shake off.

Last night I had one of the worse panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. I woke up feeling shaken but determined not to let my wondering emotional mind right now to control me. I meditated and worked out to let the negative energy out. Yes, I’ve fallen a few steps back but not for long.

1. A future, more detailed blog post. Update: You can read all about it here.

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8 comments

  1. Ancasays

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes is better just to share what’s on your mind. I wish I could do something more. Hugs xx

  2. Nancysays

    Macbooks are supposed to be top notch products! Hope Apple will send back the laptop soon :). I wonder if this is a logic board problem?

    You’re strong, intelligent, and beautiful. Don’t ever let anyone make you believe otherwise. What that jerk did was wrong and it’s ultimately his loss. The blogging world is here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, definitely drop a message :). *Sends lots of love and hugs your way*. Heartbreaks do heal with time. Get yourself out there and stay awesome~

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your Mac. I hope that you get it back from being repaired soon.

  4. I’m so sorry about your computer 🙁 I hope that Apple sends it back good as new.

    I’m all too familiar with computers breaking at bad times. In the Spring, just before finals, my charging port on my Lenovo broke and I had to send it away to fix. It was hard going through some of my finals without my personal computer.

    I’m sorry that your emotions are giving you a hard time. I’m all too familiar with that problem.

    Hang in there, I know things will get better!

  5. Kemisays

    Wow, I would never have guessed you were going through this, I can appreciate it must have been hard to open up. I really hope things get better/ you are able to find something or talk to something to make things better (sorry I can’t be of more help!) I totally understand how getting betrayed can make you close up to welcoming in love in the future, before you know it you’ll meet someone to break open that barrier 😉

  6. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling like this, Pauline. You can only ‘hide’ under a happy face for so long. And I think it’s the same for many people who have their blog as their happy place, but then certain struggles occur and you need to write something like this. I went through a very rough patch recently, none of which was documented on my blog (except for a vague ‘I had a bad day yesterday’ or something like that), but my friends know that I was always crying, unable to really talk to anyone, and very constantly upset. It sucks to be like that and also feel alone – but I hope that you don’t feel alone. I made the mistake many years ago of shutting out all my friends and family and never letting them help me. It was difficult because I knew my family would not understand.

    I hope you feel better after opening up like this. ❤️ I am upset for you that you were hurt in your relationship but also glad that you have moved on and gotten over the heartbreak. You deserve to be loved by the right person. And it’s OK to reject people and put up a barrier because it’s much better to have your rights and feelings respected rather than be trod over and taken advantage of. 🙂

    I am very glad to hear that exercise and meditation have played a big part in helping you deal with the anxiety and recover. I am rooting for you, you are a strong, driven woman and I wish the best for you and nothing less ??

  7. Oh no, it’s such a bummer that your Macbook suddenly died on you. But Apple works pretty quickly whenever you need their services so I hope you get it back soon!

    I did not know that you were going through anxiety, but I really cannot blame you for having a hard time to open up to your friends and family about it. And I’m sorry that you went through all of this. Betrayal in a relationship can be really hard to handle, and I totally understand why you’re finding it difficult to trust other people again. I’m glad that you decided to share this with us. I’m so sorry that I can’t do any more to help you cope with what you’re feeling but I hope you always remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people here who think you are awesome and who are always there whenever you feel like sharing something 🙂 Hang in there 🙂

  8. I know what you mean with November being a roller coaster of emotions and just all the way being draining. Yikes! I hope you get through Christmas alright 😀